Do You Struggle With Self-Love? by John Cali

Recently someone close to me was doing her best to convince me it was impossible for her to love herself as much as she loved others.

And even if she wanted to do that, it would be morally wrong. Her spiritual beliefs had convinced her of that. In plain language, it would be a sin for her to ever put herself before others.

Unfortunately, this lady is not alone in her struggles.

This week we’re revisiting an article we wrote a while back. It’s called Self-Love.

Related posts:
Teach Only Selfishness
Honor Thyself
Love Is A Choice


Do you feel guilty when you put yourself first? Do you drain your energy by always putting others ahead of yourself? Please share your thoughts and comments with us below.

We welcome your comments and thoughtful opinions, whether you agree or disagree with us. Please keep your comments polite and relevant to the topic of this post. If needed, we’ll edit for clarity. Also, we’ll delete anything we consider inappropriate.

22 Responses

  1. Barbara

    Well, we’ve done it again, “co-incidentally” working or writing on the same subject.

    I started out to create a script for a recording about self love. It rapidly turned in to the first two part recording because there was SO much material to cover!

    I am “proof-listening” the first recording, all the releasing statements, as I type. Then it will be on to the yummy part, the positive questions and affirmations.

    Barbara x

    • John Cali

      Thank you, Barbara! We are connected! 🙂

      Glad to hear you’re coming along so well (and so fast) with all your new products.


  2. Robin Becker

    I am a work in progress on this topic. I didn’t realize how low I was on self-love and self-worth. It has cost me a lot in the past because I did give so much of myself helping others, that it drained me.

    I also recently went through process of releasing a lot of negative beliefs gained at childhood and up. I was taught that it was wrong to think highly of self. And often when I did try to believe I was special or pretty, that I was being self centered or just very wrong in thinking so. Releasing these beliefs and working towards self worth and love has been ongoing and sure feels a whole lot better. I am learning to set up boundaries when it comes to helping others. I have to come first or I will be the one needing care.. lol

    I think this is a big topic for many and am so glad spiritual teachers like you John and others are bringing this up and sharing knowledge. It gave me great peace when someone said we are worthy just for being and nothing can take from that.

    Thanks John!

    Love and light,


  3. Sarah Drury

    Such an interesting topic, the whole self-love issue. We are surrounded by so many mixed messages. One thing I have learnt is that self-love means dropping the pretence of having to be perfect. If we are God/dess and God is all that is, then ‘perfect’ is just a concept. I feel as though many people feel that to be spiritual means to become almost inhuman, to lose all those beautiful little foibles that do make us imperfectly human. If we can accept that we are not perfect yet still love and accept ourselves, then we are able to truly love others in the same way. After all, we see in others what exists in ourselves.
    I would love to know spirit’s views regarding children. I know that, as a mother, I need to be in a good place myself. However, I would almost always be willing to make sacrifices if it was to the greater benefit of my son.

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Sarah. In my personal view, if we are making sacrifices (that is, suffering) for those we love, we are not doing them as much good as we would if we were coming from a place of joy.

      • Sarah Drury

        Thanks, John. I agree with you. Being a joyful mother is what I want for myself and my son. Children are little mirrors, they are certainly not easily fooled. Being a happy mum’s a full time career!!!

        • Chuck

          i would make sacrifice for others till i find it fun and joyful. if its that i will continue it. But after making some the next time if i feel like i am neglecting myself at that point i would switch to take care of myself a little bit and then when i am more rejevunated then i can go back and care for others etc… I would go with the feeling i have inside me.
          Of course with children you need to spend certain amount of time no matter what. But i would try to accommodate things to mutual benefit. Like if i have to take them to soccer game and i have an hour while they are playing then i might use that time in between to workout or do yoga close by there etc.. so then i feel rejevenated as i gave myself some time. etc. Or if i have to cook for them, then i would also do something small that i wanted to try a recipe for myself etc… being creative in that way…
          thx for sharing!

  4. Damian Purdy

    Thank you John and Spirit for those wonderful tips and advise.
    In the past, I had a silly habit that I did. I would sing to myself. I would sing popular songs and change the words that all reflect that I loved myself. I never really knew what I was doing. I have a ‘joker’ side, and it was mostly performed as a joke…little did I know. Self-love is always something that I have struggled with, but never really knew how to do it. At work, I see people come and go all day. I would listen to my mind comment on each person. I never had anything nice to say. Lately, I have been amending my thoughts, trying to see the divine in each person. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
    It occurs to me that knowing and/or understanding something doesn’t make it so. Practice. So, I’ve taken your words to heart. I truly wish to love myself and others, everything. I’ve said this before, I am seeing lessons everywhere I look, not that they were not there before, but now, I’m actually seeing them, and doing my best to live them.
    May the leaves of the forest shade you. Damian.

  5. Conshana

    To my mind, John and Spirit, we must first recognize Divinity. Period. I would imagine that we see it first in other people, consciously or unconsciously. How often have we said, “You’re an Angel ~!” when someone does something for us? What is it, that allows us to see something wondrous and grand and beautiful in others?? “God is Spirit, and Must be worshiped in Spirit and in Truth”. We cannot do something, unless it is within us to do so. We must BE Spirit and Truth, in order to fulfill that command. We must have within us the tools to do and to be that which is demanded of us.
    We must be, then, the Love, the Beauty, and the Divinity that we recognize in others. We see in others what we have deep within our own Being. We cannot be less than what we see in others.

    • CanRon

      I have read other comments and yours, Conshana, was the one which I recognized as the one I would choose to own.
      The recognition you speak about is what I would normally call ¨becoming conscious of¨.
      I remember falling in love in my distant past. I remember becoming aware that falling in love was an experience which I would from time to time repeat. I also rmember the programing which was inculcated in my thinking processes which made me feel guilty about the repeated experience. I had somehow learned that this could only be a one time experience and still be listed as a good experience. How silly of me!
      Recently it happened again. I became aware of the early signs and backed off. I even told that other person to be careful, like it was a dangerou s energy that would destroy everything in my present. Then I began to look for the negatives in that person in order to better be able to distance myself.
      Then, a while later, I became very ill. Somehow, lol, this very person just happened to come knocking at my door at the very time that I was having a convulsion and could hardly stand. My wife was miles away. This person stepped up to the plate without concern for personal obligations and took over. Without going into all the details I was taken to the emergency department of a hospital in a matter of minutes.
      I soon became aware that all those negatives disappeared. I mean they were still there but suddenly they did not have any value for me. Some time later I shared this with this person. Funny thing is those negatives actually disappeared. Some may return in the future, the behaviors, but they will not matter one little bit. My consciousness will always return to the moment of connectedness which my little story is about. I will bathe in the memory, in its energy. Most of all I will be grateful for becoming conscious of it because I know that it never happened in the past when it could have. It seems that gratefulness, being ever so thankfull, was the key ingredient for my waking up to the great revelation which seems so evident now, and like another memory from my distant past at a party where a drunken lady told me in a strong manner, ¨ and now, and now, and now, and now, and now! ¨

      • Conshana

        Thank You, CanRon, very much. It took me a long time, but I have learned that when we remove our expectations, people and things, and animals too, are so much more and greater than we could ever hope or dream they could be.
        Blessings to you, Dear Friend.
        Love and Living Light,,,
        I AM Conshana

  6. Monica

    Hi John
    I often speak to people around me who run their own businesses. They deal with this issue a lot.
    My explaination goes something like this:
    You have to place yourself first – in everything, even before God – because if you are not here (alive) there will be nothing. You cannot honour/praise God if you are not alive, you cannot look after your children/family if you are not alive. So – self-love has to be first and everything else will follow.
    My favourite saying – get over it, get on with it!

  7. Chuck

    I have never given more of myself to others so i may not be the best candidate to comment on this … lol
    But i can comment that sometimes i do feel briefly maybe i am selfish since i do give myself the most time.

    For me i dont try to put myself first consciously. That feels a little out of alignment for me.
    I think of that more that i need to aligned with my higher self. and that that is the most important thing in life.
    from that place whatever comes to me i will do. i might temporarily put my needs aside and help someone else. But that would give me pleasure or ease and not a constriction that i am taking away from myself.
    At the same time if i feel i need some time for myself so i am more aligned then i go with it.

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