How Do You Learn To Love Yourself? by John Cali

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One of the biggest issues plaguing many of the folks I work with is self-love—or, rather, the lack of it. Often this is rooted in past experiences of this lifetime, or even of past lives.

Compounding the problem is the fact our modern world does not always encourage or support the practice of self-love. In fact, in many ways it discourages love of self.

I personally struggled with this issue for many years when I was younger. And I know many of you have also.

And yet—we’ve been told this countless times by countless teachers—if we do not love and serve ourselves first, we cannot love and serve others well.

Here are some of Spirit’s practical suggestions we can use in learning to love ourselves more:

  • Eliminate all self-criticism and self-judgement. All of it! You deserve better than that.
  • Eliminate all thoughts that scare you. Remember, you are totally safe and secure in this present moment.
  • Be patient with yourself. You don’t have to become perfect, however you or your society define that. You are perfect—just as you are.
  • Take good care of yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You already know how to do this. So just do it.
  • In a mirror look deeply into your own eyes. Then say to yourself (and mean it!) “(Your name), I love you!” Say it several times. It takes only a few seconds, but it’s powerful. Do this every day.
  • Know you are a powerful, sovereign being. You need nothing, no one outside yourself. You are God.
  • Your most important relationship, bar none, is that relationship between you and your higher self. That relationship will ensure all your other relationships are healthy and whole.
  • Learn to love yourself and all will be well—you will be empowered to live your life fully and joyfully. It really is that simple.

Adapted from Spirit Oracle Cards by John Cali, Frederic Calendini, and Stephanie Quesada (Great Western Publishing, 2013)

Here’s Dr. Andrew Weil taking us into a powerful self-love meditation:

Related links:
Self-Esteem Revisited
Service or Selfishness?
Teach Only Selfishness


Do you struggle with self-love? Do you feel guilty when you must say “No” to someone, even if it’s needed for your own highest good? Please share your thoughts and comments with us below.

What other subjects would you like us to talk about in these posts? Please email me.


About John Cali
John Cali is a writer, blogger, and channel for a group of spirit guides. His next book is Real Answers to Life’s Pesky Questions: Conversations With Spirit, Book 1. John lives in northwestern Wyoming. Sign up for his newsletter here.

8 Responses

  1. Emma

    Thank you for this post! I’m ever so close to truly Loving myself 100%. Self-judgment is one that hooks me hoping to shift that very soon.
    Love and Gratitude,

    • John Cali

      You’re most welcome, Emma! Congratulations on coming so far — I know how conscientiously you’ve worked toward this.


  2. Martha

    Great topic, John. Thank you for that beautiful list of reminders.

    This seems to be my greatest challenge; the result of old and I suspect multiple lifetime programming. Right now I am doing pretty well with it. In the past I have been a brutal harsh critic of myself ( and others at times ).
    I can only love my neighbor as myself. So, how well am I loving myself? That is the whole ride.

    Kindness toward myself in all things is a practice. I have been pausing to say, ” Martha, I love you” recently – as I did just now when I read this lovely message. I would like to make it a daily, hourly(?) practice. A kind of waking meditation of my own heart as I go about my day. As I would do so naturally with a small child, or a puppy or a beloved, toward which my,heart swells with love so easily.

    I think most of us were programmed from childhood either with some form of abuse or taught that loving yourself is somehow selfish….but in the Bible it says that ” charity begins at home”.

    I have had a very hard time lovng myself. As I was brutalized so I have brutalized myself. I have also managed to attract people into my field who haven’t loved me very well.
    It’s all a mirror.

    I am turning a corner on this now.
    When I take responsibility for loving myself I can let everyone else off the hook.
    Love begets love and we magnetize how we are vibrating.
    The more I love myself, the more loving people I am bound to attract.
    And so I say,


    And so it IS.

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Martha.

      You’re not alone (as I’m sure you already know) in facing the challenges of self-love.

      I’ve made it a daily practice, during my morning meditation, to tell myself “I love you!” It works wonders.

      • Martha

        Yes, John, and it’s good to know I’m not alone. That feeling of isolation and shame comes along with territory of not loving myself. Just strong old programming..
        I’ve been noticing that saying ” I love you! ” to myself actually wakes me up from my slumber of illusion. As Rumi says, ” Don’t Go Back to Sleep…”

        It’s a great practice.

        This is the greatest topic for me. Keep it coming!

        Thanks John and..

        “I LOVE YOU, MARTHA !!!!!!” ( I think they heard that in the next county )


        • John Cali

          You’re most welcome, Martha. I’m delighted to hear you’re doing so well with this!

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