11 Reasons You Don’t Love Yourself and What You Can Do About It by John Cali and Spirit


What do you see when you look at yourself in a mirror? What do you feel?

For many years I did not like the guy I saw in the mirror every morning. He was never good enough. Sound familiar?

I’m convinced virtually every problem we have is rooted in a lack of self-love. And we humans are ingenious at inventing reasons why we cannot love ourselves. You’re probably familiar with the long litany. For example:

  • I’m too fat.
  • I’m too skinny.
  • I’m not good-looking enough.
  • I’m not popular with people.
  • I’m not smart enough.
  • I see nothing good in myself.
  • My mother (father) didn’t love me.
  • I grew up in an oppressive religion.
  • My teacher was mean to me.
  • My brother (sister) never liked me.
  • I can never do anything right.

The bottom line here is simple: I do not believe I am good enough—for anything or anyone. And I am always criticizing myself.

What if we turned that twisted thinking around, and began to see ourselves as our spirits see us—or, if you prefer, as God sees us.

Let’s substitute that dreary litany above for a more positive and realistic one:

  • I am magnificent and beautiful.
  • I was born to be a bright being of light and love.
  • I acknowledge I am this beautiful human being I was born to be.
  • I believe in myself.
  • I believe in my dreams.
  • I know I can realize my dreams—or I would not have had them to begin with.
  • Nothing is too good for me.
  • I deserve it all.
  • I can have it all.
  • I am perfect, just as I am.
  • I am perfect as I change and grow.

Here are a few practices I’ve adopted over the years:

  • I remember I can never truly succeed at anything if I do not love myself.
  • I must never criticize myself for anything.
  • I let go of whatever does not serve me: thoughts, beliefs, relationships—everything that no longer works for me.
  • I always trust my inner guidance, knowing it never leads me astray.
  • I ignore those who criticize or judge me.
  • I consult my spirit guides whenever I need their support.
  • I contact other people when I need help. I’ve learned not to be afraid to ask for help.
  • I make quiet time for myself every day, usually by meditating.
  • I treat my body as the special gift it is.
  • I do the mirror technique every day. (More on that below.)
  • I create a calm, peaceful environment in my home and office.

Finally, let’s talk about a couple things we can do to increase our love for ourselves.

My spirit guides often recommend a little exercise (it’s not original with them):

First thing every morning look into a mirror, deeply into your own eyes. Then say “(Your name), I love and accept you just as you are.”

Do that several times, and make it a daily practice. You’ll be amazed at how powerful a practice it is. You’ll begin appreciating and loving yourself more. And you’ll begin to see yourself through the eyes of your spirit.

Another exercise: Write yourself a love letter. That’s right—a love letter to yourself! How do you think you’re going to feel when you write that letter? But that doesn’t really matter. Just do it!


Here’s a great video of several folks struggling to write themselves a love letter:

Related links:
Love Is a Choice
Love Is Not Enough


Do you struggle with loving yourself? What can you do to love yourself more? What are the ways that have worked for you? Please share your thoughts and comments with us.


What other subjects would you like us to talk about in these posts? Please email me.

About John Cali

John Cali is a writer, blogger, and channel for a group of spirit guides. His next book is Conversations With Spirit: Real Answers to Life’s Pesky Questions, Book 1. John lives in northwestern Wyoming. Sign up for his newsletter here.

16 Responses

  1. Karen Lee Samson

    I found this video awesome, I am going to have my students write themselves a love letter!
    Beautiful, uplifting and everything blooms from within , having each person see their beauty and love…kind of like watching a flower open from a bud…or a plant sprouting from the earth, radiance revealed.

  2. Sarah Drury

    Hi John and spirit
    There is a beautiful quote:

    You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy
    You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

    One of the most valuable things I learned in therapy was self-compassion, being kind and gentle to oneself regardless and cultivating self-love and acceptance. We often extend compassion to others without being compassionate to ourselves.

    I love the mirror exercise, I am definitely going to start my day in such a way! Thanks John!!

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Sarah. That IS a beautiful quote!

      I agree — we often extend compassion to others, but exclude ourselves. That is sad!

  3. Susan

    Wonderful offering as always, John! Perhaps this little prayer from Don Miguel Ruiz may be helpful, also…

    “Prayer for Love
    Thank You, Creator of the Universe for the gift of Life you have given me,
    Thank You for giving me everything that I have ever needed,
    Thank You for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind,
    Thank You for living inside me with all Your Love and Your pure and boundless Spirit,
    with Your warm and radiating Light.
    Thank You for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go.
    I love You just the way you are and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am.
    Help me to keep the Love and the Peace in my Heart and to make that Love a new way of life, that I may live in Love the rest of my life.
    ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

    Love and blessings,

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Susan. What a beautiful prayer! I had not seen it before. It’s very powerful, and I know all who read it will be touched by the words.

      Love and blessings to you, Susan,

  4. Pat

    Thank you, John — good sound advice, things we could hear more and be reminded of every day.

  5. Jeannie

    There was a commercial not too long ago where a little girl was telling herself and all the world how great she is. She is beautiful, she is smart, she is happy and she loved herself and the world.

    I don’t even remember what the commercial was advertising all I can still see and hear is that little girl, so happy with herself and her life.

    We can learn a lesson from that little one even if it was an advertisement.

    We are each magnificent creatures of love, joy and fun!

    love and hugs

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Jeannie. I think I saw that commercial, but I don’t clearly remember it. As you said, we can learn a lesson from that little girl.

      Love & hugs,

  6. Cinda Miller

    Hi John,

    I enjoyed watching the video. I could see that everyone had a difficult time writing to themselves. They were desperately trying to keep from crying. Having that special relationship with yourself is hard because we treat ourselves so harshly (our own worst critic). I thought it was awesome that you showed this method of getting in touch within. I have used this practice a lot. I have even suggested this to my friends. We know ourselves better than anyone else in this world, we know what needs to be healed and the doctor in the house, is ourselves. We have to love ourselves in order to see the world through our heart’s eyes. We have to recreate who we are, there is no one else that has that responsibility, and we shouldn’t expect that there is, our God lives within US. Touch God by writing Him/Her, that special power within, and see what happens. Thank you John for the work and the dedication that you have in helping others find themSelves.

    • John Cali

      Hi Cinda,

      I agree — having that sort of relationship with yourself is often hard in our modern society — where so many of the messages we get amount to “You’re not good enough as you are.” As you say, we — no one else — are responsible for creating (or, more accurately, remembering) that relationship with ourselves.

      Thank you, Cinda, for your kind words — I appreciate them.

  7. Sandra Cronin

    Thanks for such a great posting today. I really enjoyed the video. I’m going to go write myself a love letter. What a great idea! Thanks again for the great messages you continually send.

    Blessings to you,
    Sandra Cronin

    • John Cali

      Thanks very much, Sandra, for your kind words. I think we could all benefit from writing ourselves a love letter now and then. 🙂

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